Former Catholic Problems: Confessions

Back in church school, I was taught a bunch of biblical and Catholic values that I mostly have forgotten about. One that stuck with me is forgiveness. But not for the right reason that I hoped when I believed in God. Catholic teachers and priests would say “confession is the key to restoring your relationship with God if you have sinned”. From my experience, It really did not feel like such. Word of advice to any priests that may be reading this: If you’re gonna back up a sensibly calming preach for your fellow children of God, please act like you mean it when you hear them out during a confession.

The day of my first communion. Half of me was excited because it was the first time I received ‘the blood and flesh of Christ’, which at the time I thought of as “holy candy and juice”. I was a pretty enthusiastic 12 year old. But before I unknowingly ate fake flesh and blood, I had to go through the Sacrament of Reconciliation (or my first confession). This is what the other half of me was nervous about. Which was a very justified feeling, especially with how the confession went. I assumed it would have gone well because I spent weeks memorizing multiple prayers, and what to say during the confession. Even after all that, when I was in line for the confession booth, I thought to myself……. What sin am I supposed to confess?

I was not a perfect child, far from it, but I could not think of a noteworthy sin to bring up. I’ve hidden report cards, lied to my parents, had a fight with another kid in school…… but even though I was taught to be honest about my mistakes, I was too worried about my parents somehow finding out about anything I have done if I told my priest. So I lied to him at the booth. Ironic, ain’t it? I told him that I once hit my sister, which I had never done but I felt like it would be a harsh enough sin to bring up so all my other wrongdoings would be much less important. As I did it, I knew a confession and some prayers would erase my sin of lying anyway. I figured he would be very understanding if everyone in the Catholic church was easily forgiving, but his tone said otherwise. I did not justify my “action” or even talk like I’d do it again, but boy did the heavenly father wish I was in hell from the scolding he gave me. By then I wished I had told him I got a frowny face on my school progress slip instead. I had to kneel down to say the ‘Hail Mary’ and ‘Our Father’ prayers 5 times each as a result.

That day left me kinda traumatized for a while. It’s really terrifying when a stranger speaks to me the way my dad would speak to me whenever I do something he does not like. I kept that confession to myself and tried to forget it so I could continue my faith in God. But one day I wondered what if I did physically harm a loved one. Would saying all those prayers really erase such an action? I feel like such blood would have been difficult to wash away even with holy water. It seemed like Catholics forgive too easily, but sometimes it’s the other way around. They could give a slap on the wrist to any priest that abuses children, but also whip you non stop with a leash for being a homosexual. Growing up, I have seen a lot of news stories and moments that made me realize some religious ethics can be quite fickle if preached by the wrong people. Most of the time, it’s hard to find the right people in that field.

Whether or not you should forgive someone depends on what their actions were. Ask yourself some questions like:

“Would they do it again?”

“Are they willing to change?”

“Can I be around them after what they did?”

Think to yourself and look through all the details before you decide to forgive thy neighbor. If you feel like they do not deserve your forgiveness, do not feel like you pissed off an angry spirit if you don’t forgive them. From experience, that mindset won’t do you wonders.

Confessions are hard, but holding in your feelings is no walk in the park either. If you feel the need to admit something to somebody, do so to the right person, keep an open mind and pay the consequences (depending on what you confess). At the end of the day, taking away all that weight off your chest will feel great.